I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize