my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
