I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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