Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
