i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
