Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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