I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The air was thick with penises
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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