she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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