don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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