my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We have started to decorate penises.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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