I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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