Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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