She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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