My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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