Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
