Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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