maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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