I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
