I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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