dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
