Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
