please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
