I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize