I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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