So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
