I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
