For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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