Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
