Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
