her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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