I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
