we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
