I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
