rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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