im holly from the hills drunk
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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