Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
