i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
