On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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