so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
