shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
