I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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