What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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