dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
