btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
