I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
