from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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