Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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