I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
