If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize