clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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