I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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