So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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