Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
