I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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