I seem to have left my pride at pride
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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