I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
