when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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